Even When You're Crying You're Beautiful Too
by choose joy xox
Summary: "But no matter where she ended up, if absolutely nothing else, Toby taught her what reckless, impulsive, messy, passionate love looked and felt like. And it hurt sometimes; God, did it ever fucking hurt. It hurt now, and it probably always would. But as she looked into the depths of his clear blue eyes she knew that it was worth every single second of the pain." 6x07 continued


**Not my best, but I felt like it had to be written! Hope you guys like it!**

 **IN OTHER NEWS, I start with kids on Wednesday. IM FREAKING OUT. You guys have been here for it all... from when I decided to apply for Teach for America to now... TWO DAYS before I start in my first classroom. THANK YOU. Okay I need to go get my pint of ice cream and try to calm down.**

 **TWO DAYS.**

 **OTHER NEWS, do any of you speak Spanish as your native language? I know PLENTY to teach the kids, but I'm a little concerned about passing my content test. The harder stuff makes me nervous. We could form a beautiful relationship :). If you need help with your English I can help you! And you can help me with my Spanish! It's win, win! PM me and we can figure it out!**

SPOV

She was going to be sick. It wasn't just a figure of speech. Every step that she took across the nearly empty waiting room threatened to be her undoing. Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. It was all she could do not to scream, to curl up into a ball and sob until there was nothing left. But that wouldn't serve any purpose. It wouldn't do any good.

She had already done enough harm for one night.

"Spencer, maybe we should just go home."

She shot her mom a look that suggested that if she wanted her to leave the hospital she was going to have to forcibly drag her through the solid double doors. At least she hoped that was what her glare conveyed, because she hadn't spoken in hours and she had no intention of starting now. How could she be so stupid? God, she thought this was the perfect solution. And who was it hurting? She had it under control this time... a bite of brownie here, a cookie there... it wasn't an issue. But now it hurt Toby, and the thought of touching anything related to pot ever again was the last thing that she wanted to do.

Maybe in a few months she would look at this as the mistake that saved her from going down that particular rabbit hole again. The last thing she wanted to do was to hurt Toby. But she did. She hurt him, and she would never do it again if she could help it.

The way he had barely been able to get out the words to ask her to leave nearly killed her. He had come so far, made so many strides since she met him. He wasn't the shy, insecure boy that she tutored in French, but she saw him again today. No matter how brief the moment was, he came back, and that was her fault too.

She was going to puke.

When he appeared in the door frame down the hall looking like some kind of glorious hallucination her stomach dropped further if that were even possible. Did he even want her? How could he want her anymore? She had dreamed of the day he would stop being a police officer, of the day that he could be fully hers again. But she never wanted it to be like this. He joined to protect her, but he ended up liking it; she knew that he did by the effort he put into the cases he was assigned and the pride on his face when he told her stories from work. But she took it from him. She ripped it from him, and she ruined it just like she ruined everything else. Everything she touched was destroyed.

Even Toby.

She looked at his shirt for a minute before turning away, hanging her head in shame. She would give him every chance to walk by her. She wouldn't begrudge him that, because it was all that she deserved. So when his hand enclosed around her shoulder she jumped. She turned to look at him with wide eyes. "I-"

"I'm sorry," he said before she could.

She snapped her mouth shut and tilted her head to the side. "What are you sorry for?"

His eyes were wide and blood shot. One of his hands brushed a wayward hair out of her face. "Are you kidding? I totally screwed up our chance to catch A."

She laughed. It was completely inappropriate, but it still slipped out. "Are _you_ kidding? I was an idiot for getting you involved in the first place, completely ignored your telling me to stay behind, and _supplied the candy you almost overdosed on._ What planet are you living on where this is even a little bit your fault?"

"Alright," he smiled shakily at her. "it's your fault. Does that make you feel better?"

"No," she sniffled, taking an tiny step closer to him. He took that as an invitation and wrapped an arm around her, pulling her in against his chest. "I'm sorry, Toby," she whispered again. "I'm so sorry. I try to help and fix things, and I just make it worse every time."

It was a few minutes before he replied. "There's a simple solution to that, you know?"

She nuzzled her face into his side, never wanted to come out again. "No more secrets," she said softly into his shirt. He probably didn't understand her, but she wasn't sure that a fire or a tornado or the zombie apocalypse could convince her to move right now.

He nodded into her hair. "No more secrets."

"Spencer we should probably get going, let Toby get home and rest..."

She grabbed fists full of the fabric of his shirt, completely unwilling to let him go. Maybe if she held on hard enough she could just become a part of him. That sounded a lot better than being herself, and maybe if she was a nonentity than A would leave Toby alone. Maybe he would be safe.

She heard Toby saying something, but she wasn't listening. She just kept her face buried in the soft fabric of his shirt, breathing in his scent. He was okay. He was okay, and even though she screwed up royally, maybe she could fix it. Because now Toby knew everything. She didn't have to hide from him anymore. Hiding from the one person that you cared about the most in the world was exhausting. But what was she really hiding from him? Because he knew she was being dishonest the second he got a good look at her. She waited her whole life for someone who saw her the way Toby did, and she wasn't going to let that go. Not now and not ever. She was done hiding things from him.

"Come on," he murmured into her hair. "You can come back with me tonight."

"Toby..."

She was literally going to kill her mother if she took another step in the way of her getting to be with Toby. It was so like her parents, cockblocking all day long. She couldn't wait to be out of her house, if for no other reason in the world than that she might finally get some alone time with her boyfriend.

"Take care of her, okay? I just- I've almost lost her more times than I can count, and if this Charles is out there..."

Toby's arms tightened around her. This take care of her business was insulting, but she wasn't going to say anything right now. Not when Toby was coming off of a bad trip and her mom was just barely letting her out of her sight. There would be time to demand her independence later. She felt him nod. "She's always going to be safe with me," he said softly. "I'll take care of her."

* * *

"This was a brilliant idea," Toby moaned, taking the last bite of pizza. "I haven't had pizza in forever."

She nodded, just picking a pepperoni off the edge of the piece that she had left. She was alone with him, she saw that he was okay and that he didn't hate her, but still somehow she wasn't satisfied. She still felt like she was doing something wrong.

"Toby," she started. "I um- never mind."

He looked at her with this way he had. It made her feel like he was looking straight through her. He put down his plate and reached for her hand. "I know. We need to talk, but it's hard. I don't- do you know where to start?"

"When you were pushing me away," she paused at the guilty look on his face. "No please. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad. It's just- it's how I catalogue the time in my brain." She hesitated again, not really wanting to have this conversation at all. "You- um you know that I love you. And that I just- I lose my head when I feel desperate. It didn't mean anything..."

"You strongly hinted what you did with Colin, Spence," Toby's voice was pained but not angry. "And what happened was partially my fault. I can't blame you for that."

Spencer nodded. "It wasn't even a little your fault, but okay. I'm glad you know, because I want to puke every time I think about it. You're all that I want, Toby. I was just being stupid. I know that's a horrible excuse, but it's the only one that I have."

He didn't say anything, but she knew him and she could tell that he was working out how to respond. "I need to apologize to you too."

That wasn't necessary. "Toby-"

He just shook his head. "No, I have to say this. Because I never learn my lesson. I'm always trying to keep you safe, but I never think to explain it to you first. I'm such an idiot."

"I think our problems have a common theme," she said softly. "Maybe we need to learn to talk to each other."

He gave her a sad smile. "Maybe that's true. That's our fatal flaw."

She shook her head. "No," she disagreed. "Not fatal. Never fatal."

He nodded. "Okay. Our flaw. Just a normal flaw."

She leaned in, her lips hovering just over his. "I love you, Toby. I love you, and I think that's why we keep doing stupid stuff. I love you too much to think about ever being without you. It makes me stupid, _crazy._ "

"I love you too," he whispered, leaning in and connecting their lips.

And in that moment she knew that everything was going to be fine. Maybe they wouldn't find Charles right away. Maybe she would never be safe. Maybe she wouldn't ever get out of Rosewood, but in the end, she knew that as long as she had Toby everything would be fine in the end.

The pizza was long forgotten as she straddled him, feeling his lips on hers and his firm muscles below his shirt. People always told her that love was a fairy tale. When she was little she assumed she would be in a kind of loveless marriage like her parents. They grew to care for each other, but she doubted that there was much love there. But no matter where she ended up, if absolutely nothing else, Toby taught her what reckless, impulsive, messy, **passionate** love looked and felt like. And it hurt sometimes; God, did it ever fucking hurt. It hurt now, and it probably always would. But as she looked into the depths of his clear blue eyes she knew that it was worth every single second of the pain.

Tears clouded her vision as she leaned in to kiss him again. This was worth it. It was worth everything.


End file.
